Why self love is the fastest fast-track to finding true love


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by Estelle Gillingham in Uncategorized

self loveRemoving our blocks to receiving love
Do we have to search for love? Will we eventually find “the one” and have all our needs for love catered for? Or did the sufi poet Rumi sum up the real task when he said it is not a matter of going out into the world and finding love, its a question of removing the blocks that we have in place to receiving love.

Manifesting the perfect partner – the fast-track way
Many people try to skip the bit where we invest time healing, understanding and loving ourselves. The fast-track solution that promises to get them to their goal quicker is to manifest their perfect partner using “law of attraction” style visualisation techniques. These processes recommend that we focus our attention on a specific outcome, which we have already defined from our current understanding of ourselves, our potential and our real desires. And herein lies the reason why most of these processes never result in sustainable, loving relationships. In adopting this approach we can actually exclude many possibilities and outcomes that would bring us great joy but are currently beyond the limits of what our preconditioned mental filters can allow in. Which is to say, there are many possibilities that we are currently discounting because of our existing biases.

By updating our filters and removing the blocks we have in place to receiving LOVE rather than focusing solely on romantic love, we can reconnect our hearts to the energy of all possibilities. So by focussing on self love FIRST we heal, understand and nurture ourselves. And in doing that we actually become a far better energetic match to people and relationships that bring joy to our authentic self, rather than the outdated version of ourselves that we still mistakenly think we are.

But isn’t loving ourselves just us being selfish?
Many people think that self-love is selfish: people think they need to be kind and giving to everyone and that this is a very spiritual way to behave. Surprisingly often these behaviours actually stem from dishonesty to our real self. Over-giving can see us moving away from our own truth and from what the beautiful and intelligent sensitivity of our divine inner child is telling us. If over-giving and self-sacrificing are not in alignment with what our emotional guidance is pointing out to us, they come at a very high cost. We can end up exhausting ourselves on other people’s behalf. Where we were expecting to be rewarded for our efforts we can receive no thanks at all, or worse, a kick in the teeth as the person we were busy helping moves on to the next kind soul they have found. We are then left to face (or repress) our own fury because we have abandoned and betrayed ourselves yet again, and (you guessed it) scored zero once more in the vital area of self love.

Far from being a spiritual way to behave, self sacrificing and over-giving can be negative coping strategies. We employ them when we have low self esteem. With very little self love in the tank, we end up looking for validation and approval from outside ourselves. People who are highly sensitive to other people’s energy also tend to over-give. This can happen because we are easily frightened due to the high levels of unresolved trauma we are already carrying in our central nervous systems. In this second case the unconscious logic is that if we are unceasingly kind to other people they will be more pleasant to us, less likely to criticise us and less frightening for us to be around.

In my next blog about love and relationships I will be setting out my manifesto on radical self love. Why do I call it radical? Because it has nothing to do with getting enough sleep, or eating enough fruit and vegetables… and also radical because it could drastically increase your ability to receive love.

I hope today’s blog has been useful. Thank you very much for visiting and please do leave a comment below.

Very best wishes,


  1. Georgia says:

    I love this blog by Estelle, it is honest raw and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is so true, self love comes first and I know through experience the more I honestly self nuture and love myself the more connected I have become with my husband. I to are very sensitive to others energies, and totally resinate with your words I get it. Thank you Estelle looking forward to your next Blog

    1. Estelle Gillingham says:

      Thanks Georgia. Its exactly as you say. I am going to be looking at why we are so programmed to resist giving ourselves the self nurturing we need so much in future blogs. Keep up the great work!

  2. ccc says:

    This has illuminated some things for me Estelle, a really good post. Look forward to the next one. Thank you muchly.

  3. Kapha says:

    I enjoyed reading this, very insightful for many on lots of levels. I await the next offering, all gratefully received and lovely to have these reminders.. 😉 K

    1. Estelle Gillingham says:

      thank you ccc – i appreciate the support!

    2. Estelle Gillingham says:

      Thanks Kapha. Next one is in the works and coming soon to a screen near you 🙂

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Free E-book: "Be Who You Came To Be"

How to Connect with Your Soul Wisdom and Find Your Purpose, Gifts and Power

a great read!
Join my list! and get more information on how you can connect with your true soul wisdom.